Monday, March 11, 2013

One year

I have been thinking about this blog post for almost six months now.  I've gone back and forth about what I wanted to say and even if I wanted to say anything at all.  Writing something can be easier than talking about it...hence all the journals I filled up in high school so I decided to write.

Today marks one year without my mom.  It's a strange how it feels like just yesterday and at the same time it feels like a million years ago.  I can't really explain it.  A lot can happen in one year and this year has been different than all the other years of my life.  Time has gone on, memories made, vacations taken, milestones met.  Although I was present for all of these, there is still a part of me that is stuck in that week in March 2012: the blur of events, the planning, the sorting, the crying, the time shared with my brother and sister.  As time passes, it doesn't get "easier", if you will...if just becomes a new normal.  Just the way it is; the way it always will be.

My mom was the only parent I had...and even as a married adult, it was a comfort to know she was there and would always beto help if I was ever in a bind, not that I was ever in one.  It's a strange feeling to not have that.  I am lucky that she taught me to be so independent and self-reliant. I will be sure to pass those traits on to my daughters as well...for one never knows what the future holds and one of the most valuable gifts we can give our children (especially our girls) is to have the ability to be independent and to WANT people in our lives but not NEED them.

One year is a long time; many days, hours, seconds, can experience a whole smorgasbord of new events in that time, but there are some things I will never be able to have again.

One year since I've heard your voice.
One year since you've given me advice.
One year since we've had a cup of tea together.
One year since we've talked for hours on the phone about nothing at all.
One year since you've been an ear for me to complain to.
One year since we've shopped together.
One year since you've randomly decided to come to Arizona again (much to my happiness).
One year since you've nagged me about a tag I've left on a pillow.
One year since you've called the peas your "pumpkin-heads".
One year since they've seen their Mimi.
One year since I've been able to convince you to have a glass of wine with me at night.
One year since I've been able to bake for you...which you always loved.
One year since I've bought you a coffee from Dunks...light with three sugars.
One year since you've been able to complain to me about how much you hate winter and love the desert (polar opposite from me!)
One year since we've been a complete family: you, me, Jenn and Billy.
One year since I've felt whole.
One year since I've been able to tell you I love you.
One year since I've seen you.
One year since I've had my Mom here.

I leave you with some of my favorite pictures of my Mama and me...
Mama at age 8, 1965

Looking fabulous, 1976

Mama and Jenn, 1977

 Christmas, 1983
me in the desert before I decided to live here, 1983
Mama and her three peas, 1983
just because I love this, 1986, abt Abby's age

matching perms
Disneyworld, 1991...{starter jackets, oh yea}

My brother's wedding

Mama and me
this was the last time my babies saw their Mimi
I think about you every single day joke...EVERY DAY.  I miss you so much and thank you for making me the awesome gal I am today...I couldn't have done it without you! xoxo


Courtney said...

It was a bad idea for me to read this on my lunch break :( Love you and loved your words. You are a strong woman, and a wonderful Mama. I can see your mom through you.

Ami said...

What a sweet tribute to your mom, Michelle. :)

Anonymous said...

I was so excited to come and check out your blog. I wasn't expecting to cry from the first post I read! I'm so sorry about your mom. Judging by those pictures, she is a gorgeous woman and was gone way too soon. As someone who's lost my dad, I can tell you that you'll still have some of that sadness with you 10 years from now, but you'll still have her love as well, and that's what will get you through it. My dad died in 1999 but I still think of him every day and wish he'd lived to meet my kids (and they, him). Beautiful post.

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