Saturday, February 16, 2013

The most annoying mother on the planet

When you are pregnant, there are ALL sorts of "rules" about being a mother.  Do this, don't do this, do this more, do this less...yadda, yadda.  There is no real "right" or "wrong" way to's lost somewhere in the middle.  Most of us figure out a system that works for us, based on all the books we've read, the advice we have been given (and chose to listen to or purposefully ignore), and all of the real world experiences we gain once we are in the trenches.  Hopefully, with enough dumb luck and prayers, our kids will turn out happy, loving, caring, productive citizens that are well adjusted and do not hate us.  There are some kids that aren't so lucky.

Meet Felix.

Who's Felix, you ask?  Felix is the son of the most annoying mother on the planet.  I don't know him or his mother personally, thank God, but I did have the "pleasure" of meeting them the other day in the checkout line at Target.

Ahhh...glorious Target.  Don't you just love it there??  It's like someone took all my hopes and dreams and boxed them up in place :) On this occasion, I did not have the ability to be alone, but was minus one kid, and two are easier than three.  We successfully made our way through the store, selected items in the wagon and are ready to check out.  On this day, Jacob had convinced me to buy him another small Spider man so then I had to get the girls something little too (a double pack of mini Lalaloopies were chosen).  While they were holding their new-found treasures, we head to the line. After waiting for a few minutes it's our turn, but then Hannah informs me she has to go potty NOW and by her squirms, I know she's not messing around so I say "I'll be right back" and quickly shove said items back into the wagon and take her potty.  Then we get into line again.  Well, this action altered the course of history and allowed me to meet Felix, his sister and mother.  Lucky us.

As I begin to put my items back on the belt...she comes behind me; Felix (approx. 15 months) standing in the wagon and his mother beside him.  I didn't see his sister...yet.  Are you wondering WHY I know this child's name???  Here's why.  Fellow mamas: Do you remember reading someplace that when you are babies are little you should talk aloud your actions to them?  Like, explain what you are doing? "Oh look, mama is going to make lunch now!  Here are your strawberries and sandwich!" Helps build vocabulary development, especially for the first born.  After you have more than one, the siblings can do that for you.  Well, Felix's mother must have read that too, because she was doing that.  Very loudly.  ABOUT EVERYTHING. 

"Look Felix, we are in the checkout line now!  Look Felix, there are two kids in front of us!  Look Felix, they are in a red cart just like you!  Look Felix, you should say hi to them!  Look Felix, here is our orange juice!  Yes Felix, you can hold it. Oh no Felix, we can't put it on the belt yet because it's not our turn!  Look Felix, we have macaroni in the cart.  Yes Felix, you can hold mommy's new bra!"

No joke.  I'm thinking this lady must be a loon.  And then I hear it.  The loudest sound I've heard in the checkout line.  Remember that scene in "Dumb and Dumber" where they're like "want to hear the most annoying sound ever? AHHHHHHH..." on and on??
Yea, it was like that sound, coming from the floor in front of her wagon but behind mine.  The sister.  Felix had a sister.  And she was making that sound.  On the floor.  Super loudly.  The whole time she's growling down there, mommy is still animating her actions to Felix. Now, I know some kids just make a lot of noise, possibly due to a disability, BUT this mother was just acting like she wasn't there and it was the strangest thing ever. 

All this noise has my peas in a tizzy.  Hannah starts squirming around, Jake is trying to escape the wagon.  As I am informing him "try to get out of that wagon again and I'll burn your Spider man"  little Felix is still getting a life's lesson about bras and orange juice.  Is she the better parent?  Perhaps.  But all's I know for sure, is that she gets the crown for the most annoying mother on the planet, hands down.  Thankfully Hannah had to pee just at the right time or you would never have known the joys of Felix, his mother and the growling sister.  And for that Hannah, we thank you :)


Courtney said...

I'm literally laughing out loud. Funniest post ever or too much wine? We will never know ;) Thanks for that twin!

Anabelle said...

OMG! I am dying! I'm looking forward to meeting Felix and his sister. And yes, thank you Hannah.

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